Yes you've heard it here straight from the horses mouth so to speak. 

Many partners of Aspies complain about the lack of intimacy and touch, many  express their frustration and confusion as to the wall that blocks this important part of a marriage.

So often you hear  " is it me ", or " there must be someone else.

A few years back i knew of a couple who seemed to get along  famously both had great sense of humor, both worked and maintained   a brilliant companionship  within their marriage but had slipped into the friend zone instead of the partner zone.  For over 10 years out of their 11 yr marriage they hadn't been intimate with eachother.  Thus leading too the Mrs  of the partnership to move into the spare room. 

I remember asking her if she had tried to talk to him about how she felt but she said  he just wouldn't see it.  She thought maybe there might be something wrong medically so armed with all the information she set off to have a chat with her doctor.

Now the Dr from all accounts was a nice  chap but to mind didn't really help her much, he suggested that maybe Mr could join them for an appointment too  rule out anything medical,, but maybe in the meantime if she alter her appearance and took some more pride in herself maybe that could make a difference to how her husband saw her.  In his opinion he felt that anyone who hadn't had sex in  10 yrs was obviously cheating or "looking after himself".  So now full of resentment and crushed self esteem off she toddled back home to her partner.

Suspicions began to arise and she  even asked him on a few occasions if there was anyone else to which he firmly denied ( he was so angry  that she would even accuse him of that).

When i caught up with her next i asked how everything was going she said " he had gone to the dr's to shut her up and everything seemed normal", so she was left feeling that  he must have just lost interest in her.

This eventually destroyed their marriage and her self esteem.

I look back on this now with all that i have learned about the Aspie marriage, and so much fits

Mr  didn't like socializing outside of his safety zone

He didn't like to eat or try anything new

he had set routines as to how he spent his time and even down to what and how he ate his dinner 

he disliked touch and remained distant

he had little emotional empathy as to why mrs could be upset or as to why it affected  him.

Could he have been Aspie

 

They can become over whelming especiaslly dependant on the effort  and emotion that he has personally imparted to this particular scenario.

we tend too mistake the irrational outburst of behaviour as an imediate over reaction to what is happening at the time,  yet we forget that this can be his debilatating hurt showing through.  He is stuck, he doesnt know how to process where he is at, and yes his rational self (the one that has learnt to adapt to  life and the curve balls that it occassionally throws) is screaming at  him to get control.

But its too  late .....his mind is racing a million miles an hour filling his self with irrational scenarios of what is happening, or what others are thinking.  He is emotionally cornored, the panic is starting to show!!!

before he knows it he has spun into "attack mode"'the leathel combination of the Aspie Genious and the forked toungue of hatred.

 

This is where he will attack with full throttle untill he can see a way to escape, as soon as that opening presents he will take it.....oblivious at times of what he has said.  You will find him trying to retreat into his safe place......where he may numb his mind and reduce  the  thouught process  of what has occured.  He wont want too visit it later and he wont want too  or cant remember what he has said, but over time we too can help  him too overcome  this strumbling block to recongnise that damage that was also done to him, ways that  he could handle that situation  when it arises again (and it will ).

Every  experience for all of us is a learning curb, for our Adult Aspies feel things more intensly at times  then we realise.

 

Often we say as parents " I don't want to push him/ her " why? What is going to happen ? What is it that we as parents are ultimately afraid of?

We hated the" melt down" when they were little but as they've grown so has it .  

Is it the embarrassment of others watching or the fear of explosive rage, or the incomprehensible crying and screaming, The dropping to the ground with the emotional and physical exhaustion apparent for the world to see.

Is it the utter turmoil as the individual can withdraw and become lost behind unseeing eyes as they recoil in their comatose state.

I don't know but I do know that the biggest challenge as a parent is watching your teen become lost, watching them become isolated as they start to regress in the social / emotional steps they have walked before.  They regress back to the safer behaviors of their past, they  hide from the world and its oh so many challenges.

We hear often as parents "I can't do this", " I don't want to go" but sometimes scarily  we hear "I don't want to be here anymore". " I want to die". 

Our hearts rip  apart, our lives change forever. We stop pushing we stop challenging.   We wrap them up in cotton wool and we hold hem as close as we can. We watch, we listen and we pray.

We look for Help, we scream  for it, although so many times we have to wait, we're told to be patient.

We're told they're on the waiting list or according to the " charts" they're not a risk yet as the haven't done anything  and to come back when or if it gets worse.

So we sit, we wait, we watch as our child becomes more isolated, we read everything we can get our hands on and yet everyone says get the out there, but nobody ever tells me HOW.

So I go back to The Beginning

I know what the reaction will be if I push or I challenge, I know how much inner turmoil this causes my child. I know how scared they are, how unsure of the situation they are.  I know because I'm the parent, I know my child, I can not only see their pain.  I feel their pain. How do we do this ? How do we expect them to grow socially and emotionally when everything is causing them pain?

We break each thing down 

We show them how 

We tell them we believe in them 

We walk the journey with them 

Because the alternative of a life locked away in a room isn't the answer.

I worry that they don't have the" street smarts" or an action plan of what to do when things aren't the " norm".

So I sat down with all my teens and we brainstormed about what could be done, how to rely on your " gut feeling "; how to listen to that little voice In your head  commonly known as your " conscience " . Lol  which with our Aspies took us on a whole new path ... So once back on track here are a few ideas that we came up with as well ideas from other individuals on the spectrum...

- Watch people's behavior patterns

- Look at what they want to know about you compared to how long you have - - known them( don't tell new people personal things about you)

- Always have your own rules as to acceptable public behavior ( stick to it)

- If you know it's wrong ... Don't do it ...Make an excuse and leave the situation

- Never go out at night alone

- Always keep your phone on you ( charged)

- Always call for Help if you feel unsafe ( parents would rather be mad and have you safe than Sad and have you dead)!

- Always tell that one person you trust ( whether its a parent or close friend of a long period of time) where you are going or if your not sure about something someone has asked you to do... (Second opinions save lives)

- Never take un-opened drinks from people you don't know

- Decide the maximum amount of money you are prepared to loose if you lend money to someone, never go above it no matter what they say

- If someone's actions, words and behavior towards you changes when around others.. This person  does not have your best interest at heart.

- people who care about you won't force you to do things for friendship

These are just to name a few... Brainstorming is a great way to get inside your teens head and allows us parents to see I they get or I they need us to point it out..

Watching the impact that our " Independent living program"  has had on yet another individual's life, self esteem and confidence.  Witnessing the progress of excepting changes,lowered anxiety, able  to effectively make appropriate desicions, as well as implementing changes as different scenarios arise.

 

Starting to take responsibility for the actions that are demonstrated as well as following through and completing tasks from beginning to end, without constant reminders on what should be done.

This individual has recently  completed several certified  skills to attract employment, utilising successful social interactions and practicing acquired tools and strategies.

Watching "The personal growth of this individual"  makes me realise how important our role is in presenting life through their view not ours.

Well done 

Realistically it is one of the greatest survival tools you can teach them, it incorporates personal  responsibility,decision  making as well as the art of reading situations and scenarios.

How I hear you ask?

Firstly at every opportunity engage your teen in " Brainstorming " discussions about what should and can be done in a range of hypothetical situations.

Instead of telling your teen what you want or expect them to do in any given situation, give them the opportunities to establish different possible outcomes and pathways.

Discussing how and why they came to reach those decisions, if the logic or processing doesn't seem to flow, encourage your teen at those junctions to stop and think what the next stage should come up with a minimum of two scenarios and identify and follow the path to the desired outcome.

This allows them to establish thought patterns, creating their personal tapes for similar scenarios that may arise or them in their futures.

 

 We at Repploy have put the call out to companies ourselves to pick up the challenge, have a close look at the structure of your workplace, current employees and job roles.....

Are they meeting your industry, budget, skills,workforce and competency requirements?